Everytime I try to make you smile,
you say that I'm being a child,
Well...
I tried my best.

Concrete Wall - Zee Avi

How long must we wait? What unpredictable occurrence is it that stands to ruin everything? The state of expectation begins at birth. Within the very first moments of life, we fall into the expectation trap. From birth onward we're caught up in the fantasy of expectations. We wait for our mother's milk-swollen breasts. We wait to see her nipple. Wait to lie cradled in her embrace. We wait for the warmth and security of the curve of her belly and things. And when we get older, we expect success or failure. Life or death. Sadness or bliss. Wealth or poverty. Good or evil. We await every pair of opposites. We don't know which of them will reach us first, and then we simply surrender to a gust of happiness or the cleaver of despair. And we carry on. We bare our teeth or bleed from our wounds, but we carry on. We never have the chance to pause or to think. Constant expectation, and propulsion that cannot cease. Eventually there is no getting away from the continuous expectation of more and more. This is our fate. The fate of all man.

Two Men
Abdallah Tayeh
Translated by Adam Talib
The Book of Gaza: A City in Short Fiction.

It is inconceivable how the shop can be empty for hours on end. Okay no I'm just exaggerating but ... there could be customers, but they only come in once half an hour?! They browse through the products, and they wouldn't buy anything.

It is astonishing how the air could be so still. It's scary to see how the outside could be filled with life, people strolling past and occasionally expressing interest in the plates there are in the shop. And the shop is dead, dusty, though brightly lit. The soft whir of the air-conditioning and the repetition of the playlist of songs contaminate my mind with boredom. It doesn't help that my lunch is inducing food coma and the drowsiness pulsing through my eyes, injecting an inexplicable heaviness that threatens to blind my sight.

I keep myself sane by playing songs I like, and I specifically pick songs that suit the atmosphere and feeling of the shop. #bestemployeeaward

Perhaps I should do something to keep myself busy. But all the packing for the orders are done. I don't feel like cleaning up the place.

This explains why I'm so free and just spending my time spamming this platform.

okay wtf this caucasian family looked like they were about to enter the shop literally a meter away from the entrance and they suddenly changed their minds and walked away. Wow thanks a lot.

Maybe they saw me. Maybe its just my face. Maybe I'm too ugly.

Yesterday I was assigned to SAM. I was helping a customer gift-wrap a few plates and being the failure that I am, I underestimated the amount of wrapping paper I needed and took a really long time. My customer, who was an Israeli lady (kewl rightz), came in and offered to help me with the wrapping, and obviously since she saw how I can't gift-wrap for nuts, I had to allow her even though I'm making her do the work. Although a little ugly, she wrapped faster than me measuring out the wrapping paper needed (and I still got it wrong).

When paying, I started making small chat and since she was caucasian and spoke with an accent, I asked her where she was from. She said, "Israel." two times before I understood. LIKE OOOOOOOOOH SO COOL RIGHT. (thinking about it, there's a synagogue opposite SAM along Waterloo street, she was probably there to pray) Then I had the inkling to ask her about Gaza AND THEN I WAS LIKE OKAY NO WRONG TOPIC DON'T EVEN SAY GAZA >__> I'm so inappropriate. argh.

The other customer who was so cute was this French lady. So again while paying, I asked her where she was from (because again, she's caucasian and her English was kind of awkward), "France." "ooohhhhh" I responded, well who wouldn't. Then she said something like, "Whenever I say I'm from France, they always say oooh" Then she said she likes Singapore, clean, clear (weather) etc etc... I can't really remember the order of the conversation, I said I haven't been to France, Can't really remember what she said (because of her awkward English), but she said something like she comes from a place called xxx (somewhere that start with a "b", can't really catch what she said,), which is located at the southwest of France. (after checking the map, maybe its Bordeaux? or Bayonne) "where its clear, clean, just like Singapore!" She literally waved her hands around haha! She also said her hometown is known for wine production. And then she said, in Paris, if I look Asian / is not Caucasian, I would be in danger :o Then she wished me all the best and wish I can visit France in the future :) She's super nice, and friendly, like friendlier than a lot of the normal-friendliness-level customers.

So inappropriate me can't help but I almost asked about Charlie Hebdo and almost wanted to spout, "Je suis Charlie." And in my mind I was almost gloating at the expected shocked face she might have upon hearing that. But yes okay I know it wasn't nice to say it SO I WAS LIKE OKAY WRONG TOPIC MOVE AWAY

So far all the customers I've received at SAM are just generally nicer than those at MW. >__> at least I'm more willing to shout "hi, hello! Welcome!" at SAM than at MW.

Okay, I know this is weird but I always hesitate to shout "hi welcome!" whenever there are already customers in the shop. I almost always never say hi to incoming customers when there already are customers in the shop. ~__~ I don't know, maybe I feel that shouting would distract/affect the experience the customer has in the shop? I can't pinpoint exactly why.

It is ironically Friday and also one of the emptiest days I have had.

OKAY 30 MINUTES TO CLOSING AND THERE'S A BARRAGE OF CUSTOMERS?!

(edit. as expected they didn't buy anything zzz)

Hello sorry for spamming.

So today, I'm replacing Kris at SAM today, she's sick :( Thankfully, it isn't as busy as during the Christmas season (which explains why I have lots of time to write HAHA nah I'm just slacking off and leaving customers alone)

Since I'm bored and I don't really wanna read the book I brought with me (lol), I wanna talk about the terror of As that continue to haunt us, before I forget. I've been wanting to write about the nightmares I had before -

(WOAH I JUST RECEIVED TWO HUGE BOXES OF STOCKS; just signed the receipt heh)

- but I always procrastinate and just refused to write them. I think I've had umpteen nightmares about As but these are the few that are actually so traumatising memorable that I remember these. So far, I remember 3 nightmares in total, two of which were totally weird and bizarre. (expected, considering how weird I am as a person)

(wow it's raining really heavily)

(okay its really annoying; ppl walking past in the museum will open the automatic door, and they're just walking past, they aren't even coming in zzz)

The first dream I had was weird. (I'm having food coma after lunch so pardon me if I'm being incoherent) I was taking a nap, taking a break from studying (during the period of A levels, I did actually take naps, and woke up to study, instead of sleeping peacefully through the night). I remember waking up, half-conscious, and just wanting to and falling back asleep again. I repeated this process for a couple of times (amidst my siblings' voices; I think I remember seeing my brother use the computer while my sis was talking to him), and then I finally woke up, still feeling tired. My mum and sister were having a chat, while sitting on the mattress I was sleeping on, and I asked my sis what time it had been. I don't remember exactly what time she said it was but I distinctly remember it was 5 MINUTES BEFORE MY EXAM. I was like WTF and I remember feeling super annoyed and damn pissed off and berating my sister for not waking me up earlier so that I could study. With panic, I started cramming everything I saw in the notes as much as I could, as fast as I could.

okay, here comes the weird part. Instead of rushing down to school and crying and just wishing I died etc etc, I simply took my pencil case with me and walked out out of my room to the dining room. There was a teacher there (?!) and my exam paper was already sitting on the dining table. I sat down in the chair, and the teacher said, "you may start now." And so, I started writing and doing the paper. Like, wtf right? This dream doesn't even hold any logic whatsoever, even within the realm of dreams. It simply doesn't make any sense!

(Yay its 4pm; time to rejoice, only 3 more hours till I close the shop!)

okay my second dream was a real nightmare. I was having my lit paper, and at the start, I was just reassuring myself and tried to stay composed, so I took my time going through the unseen poems and annotating them.

I was writing my essay halfway when SUDDENLY, the invigilator said, "you are left with 5 minutes." okay, wtf?! I immediately started panicking and thinking "okay wtf wtf wtf I thought I had more time than this I thought I had more time than THIS" I started doing the other essay, and halfway through, I was like fuck this whatever I give up and just did my best, writing whatever I could. Soon there wasn't any time left and I had to stop writing. So, in total I was supposed to write 3 essays; in the end, I handed in 2 half-essays. har har har.

That nightmare felt real okay, I felt like I sat on an emotional rollercoaster ride. All the panic that made me wanna let out an explosive diarrhoea urinary bomb. Urgh. Thank god its over.

My third dream was the weirdest. It isn't directly related to As, but it was so bizarre, when I woke up I was compelled to make a note in my phone in case I forget. (gah I'm so drowsy now I don't even feel like saying hi to customers) So here are the notes I recorded on my phone:
- Ms Arfah being super bitchy - lit lesson: she took over me Sasha, Jaclyn, Hanee?
- Amanda in wrong classroom
- Munwei and Raphael being scolded
- School staff investigating why particular classroom is so warm, asked me
- feel like a suckup

Let me make some sense out of this nonsense.

Basically, it was a lit lesson but we were being taught by Ms Arfah (I don't remember if she took over the lesson for Mr Sng or she magically became our teacher). I remember Sasha, Jaclyn and Hanee and I were the only ones there. (I don't know where the rest of my class was; it seemed like the H2 class only consisted of us) Amanda was also here with us; Either I suspected she was in the wrong classroom, or she admitted so herself (my dreams are so weird) Then I remember Ms Arfah being bitchy/aloof because she was (sort of) scolding Munwei and Raphael/making things difficult for them. It felt weird too because I think/felt that Munwei and Raphael weren't supposed to be in my class as well? what the hell man I have such weird, bizarre dreams.

Halfway through, some school staff (the OSOs: the Indian auntie and a few others) came in and wanted to ask/investigate why this particular classroom was so warm. (wtf) Somehow Ms Arfah magically disappeared and it seems almost like a free period. I stood up and was super friendly and helpful and answered their questions and offered to help them. Somehow it just wouldn't be the way I would act because I was being overly friendly. That's why I felt like a suckup, I think I was answering their questions and being super helpful and patronising their every request/questions. The dream kind of faded afterwards and it ended like that.

(this cleaner jiejie [shan't call her auntie because honestly she isn't that old] is so funny, she entered the shop in a hurry and then she suddenly remembered she should say hi to me, so she stopped quite abruptly and turned around and smiled and said hi. HAHA. I mean, just do your thing man I'm here the whole day, and you're running all about and passing by so many times, you don't have to say hi every single time! hahaha)

Pardon me for having such confusing, transcendent dreams. I probably only stopped having them after I went to Melbourne with my family for holiday. I really love Melbourne. REALLY, LOVE. Sigh. I would love to live there. or even study there.

Those were literally the nightmares after As before Christmas.
One more hour before I close shop! Sian though, I have to work tomorrow zzz

I wanted to blog about this but I got over it already.

Yesterday I was working at Millenia Walk and I was busy packing Pris's reservations/orders, so I kind of just left my customers alone to browse (oh my I think my bosses would scold me for not engaging, but then if I think about it, I tend not to engage anyway so there's no difference LOL).

There was this Japanese couple who were looking at the One Singapore plates for quite some time, then they asked me if we did gift-wrapping service, to which I promptly said, "sorry, we don't do gift-wrapping." I think I sounded very curt and abrupt and just very rude (esp to the Japanese), and I should've just followed what my boss taught me to say: "I'm sorry, we don't do gift-wrapping, but if you insist, I can help you..." My answer didn't really explain why as well, so I just sounded really bizarre.

Then they asked again, "can you do gift-wrapping?" I started internally panicking, so I wanted to just simply wrap for them since they insisted. So I asked, "how many [plates] do you want?" The guy (who looked very aloof and fierce) said (also very curtly) "No, I haven't decided, I just wanted to know if you did gift-wrapping" After which, they spotted the rolls of wrapping paper, and wondered aloud in Japanese why I didn't do it. I might've been a little psychotic for having vacillating thoughts whether to accept or decline their gift-wrapping request. Afterwards they asked, again, in awkward English "can you just take wrapping paper, and wrap for us?" "Sorry, I don't do gift-wrapping service, because I'm quite busy..." I pointed to the packing which was only done halfway and was still a mess on the table, and responded with a sheepish smile, which perhaps wasn't very convincing. They probably thought I was being weird for not gift-wrapping since, obviously, there had to be gift-wrapping service when there are rolls of wrapping paper around, and I was just a lazy ass trying to wriggle my way out of it. -__- 冤枉啊 (besides I can't gift-wrap well anyway)

I tried to be nice, so I told them like what my boss taught me, "The wrappers will be complimentary if you make any purchase" (I think because I was panicking, it came out really... ungracefully "the wrappers are for free..." =__=)  I handed some of the different designs of wrappers we had for them to choose. Afterwards, it was a blur; I can't really remember. I sort of vaguely remembered that they bought 2 or 3 One Singapore 24cm plates... and when I gave them the wrapping paper they wanted, the guy muttered really aloofly, "never mind, its okay, we will gift-wrap ourselves." which was so traumatising. Even when I said thank you, although they said thank you back, the guy didn't even smile. At least the girl forced out a smile. But still.

I mean I was really busy so I can't help them. zzz
I was so overwhelmed with guilt and trauma I couldn't stop thinking about it. I only got over it when I was about to go home because I was so exhausted.

Gah, seriously one of the worst, error-filled days ever. I made the mistake of scaring the above customers. I made the mistake of confidently telling my bosses that there wasn't any HDB plates when in fact, there were, hidden in a spot that I thought was another design. >__> Oh god save me from this horror. I don't mean to offend anyone! :/

I wish I was in Suzhou visiting Miaoye. :c

Surprised to find me here at 6am and thinking what an early bird I am? Well, guess again! (No prizes for a correct guess though)

I'm only here because I felt compelled to write something on new years day. After falling asleep on the sofa in the living room at approx 3am nearing 4am and suddenly waking up at 6 thinking it had only been 5min, at most half an hour. (Yes I know, gross choo is breaking new boundaries)

And so I still have my carrot juice and chocolates I had wanted to give Jiawin which I knew/know would fail to do so, and a full stomach of chicken wings and rice wine and carrot juice. My maid had already woken and finished sweeping the floor and is now fastidiously mopping the floor. And here I am lying on my bed and grappling with the mild discomforts my stomach is giving me.

So I spent my first hour of 2015 discussing bjs, using not your lips but your teeth, and the second hour discussing 30 minute pig orgasms with ngiam and Jiawin. (Not really, but thats what I can remember)

That's how I had spent the first 6 hours of 2015, how did you spend yours? Happy new year, everyone.